imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But Not Today I find myself unable to talk about certain things here, because I know some people do occasionally read what I write, and I fear that I sound naive or pathetic. While I sometimes outwardly act like I don't care what people think of me, it's very much on my mind. I can't control my impulsive nature to say or write things sometimes. I'm very emotional, and because I grew up being told to control it, told that I needed to grow up - suck it up - I now hate myself for every uncontrollable feeling I have. That's my baggage I guess. And the envy I feel towards my friends is unreal right now. Because if they wanted to they could message or text him and there would be no sense of self-defeat. And they get to see him and hang out or even get to act indifferent and cold towards. I don't. I just sit and wonder how all of this bullshit came to be. Did he think I didn't care enough? Did he decide I was too much trouble to get further involved? He gave me no answers. Told me he cared about me, that he wasn't giving up on me, and within a week stopped talking to me. And I still want him. I still want to protect him - still want to believe the best of him. What a shame, really. Because I could have loved him well. 10:24 a.m. - 2014-03-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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