imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stay Away From Fleeting Failure Why do people actively ignore people? I'm not talking about those people you avoid in the hallway at school or those co-workers you limit your time with. No, I'm talking about family or friends or housemates. Especially when it comes from nowhere. When there is no warning signs or explanation, or 'blowout'. I've lost a few friends this way, and it still bothers me. How do things happen like that? I guess I just expect my friends to be good communicators. I expect my friends to feel comfortable with talking to me about anything. Because generally I've never had a problem with that. So many people have told me I'm easy to talk to close friends or not, and I'm so open. And I give people their space if they need it. I thought Michelle and I would get better, but it seems things have only gotten worse. She doesn't even look at me - I don't exist. I put a frown on her face. I said nothing in the beginning - I didn't push anything with her because I thought that's what she needed. Time and space to sort out whatever had pissed her off. And I waited. I waited for weeks for her to come with me. I decided that after three years of going to her, and dragging the problems out of her mouth, I'd give her the chance to decide when she wanted to tell me what I had done. What was wrong. But it's been three months now. Three months of living with the elephant in the room. Of communicating through white board messages and Ben, her live-in boyfriend, and my friend. And now I don't know what to do? I've tried so hard to be strong about it, to push it to the back of my mind because eventually I'll be moving out, and she won't have to deal with the incidental moments were in the same room at once. I hate losing friends without a fight. I hate that my pride gets in the way. I hate that I can't just swallow my pride and tell her how it is. I thought she'd eventually talk to me. That I mattered as a friend to her more than this bullshit it's come to. It's gotten so fucked up. And I don't think she even cares. I'm so tired of losing people. Losing people I love. Whether it be the guy I thought I loved, or my adored Uncle, and now another friend. I guess these are the bumps on the road that come with age. And I try to trust that people enter and leave my life for a reason, sometimes that have no reason to do with me at all. I guess I'll just wipe away the tears, and try to walk tall. Embrace those who still are around rather than mourn the ones past. In the end I can only account for my own decisions in this life, and I will try to have faith that I made the best ones I could. 6:36 p.m. - 2014-08-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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