imalex's Diaryland Diary

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A Year Later

I'm back. I debated this for months now, but after failing to get any kind of response from Diaryland about being able to open a new diary, I gave in. I need this place.

It's been a long time. Almost two years, I think. Jesus, I can't believe how much has happened in the last two years.

I moved to Edmonton seven weeks ago, and I still haven't found a divine reason as to why this was good. Growth? Experience? That's all I've got. Every day is a struggle. I am homesick and what little enjoyment I get here is either short lived or unsatisfying. My once best friend lives only thirty minutes away but since I got here it feels like I'm just another burden in her life.

I miss Cody so terribly.

I guess when I last wrote in here I had an entirely different idea of where I would be a little over a year later. It's kind of nice to read it actually. I had a lot of hope.

It's so weird how I went from there to reconnecting with Cody. I moved in with Natasa and in a weird twist of fate he showed up at our house warming. And it just went from there. I decided to confront him on how he treated me. And we agreed to meet for drinks, and I think I really made him think when I said I just wanted to be friends. I have no idea. I don't think he knows still. But by New Years something had changed him, and he told me he missed me and the next thing I knew we were dating again. And I was playing it safe.

I also started working at the government which lasted until May. That also seems forever ago now. What a job that was - the people I met.

Anyways on Valentines Day Cody asked me to be his girlfriend, and jesus that seems like forever ago too. What a whirlwind. And how easy it all was.

I don't know why I decided it wasn't enough. I guess a lot of things happened really quickly for me, and ended just as fast. He was so busy all the time with the campaign and I didn't know what I had besides him. I was unemployed and I wanted to go back to school so that I could do something with my life. Then he started talking about applying to NHL jobs across the country and I suddenly realized he could leave me again. And I just couldn't let that happen. So I applied to school in Alberta, and now I am here four months later.

Of course I don't regret it. I need this Diploma. It's my edge on the competition, and I'm doing a lot of great stuff and getting involved with a lot of great things. But fuck I miss my life back home. I miss Cody. I miss my friends. I miss my usual walk at 6pm.

I ran in fear, I'll be honest. Fear of myself. Fear of falling into a rut. Fear of getting left behind. Fear of losing love again.

I think everyone knew that. I think everyone understood why I decided to come here. Everyone has been supportive and really positive. But I just get that ache to leave me. And I know Cody still cares about me, even though we made no promises. And we talk pretty often considering I thought I'd lose him completely. Regardless, its just not enough. I feel so uncomfortable here, uncomfortable in my skin. I feel like the black sheep.

I just hang on to a hope, a belief, that after the two years here I'll be able to go home and say "I did it" and be better for it. And maybe get that dream job too. All I know is that I won't be staying here. If moving here has taught me one thing, it's that these are not my people. I belong to Eastern Canada. I belong in Ottawa. I belong with him.

8:00 p.m. - 2015-10-20

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