imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mistakes and Lessons So its decided, I'm going to finish my program next year online. I was talking to the director of the program as well as my advisor and they said its completely normal, that they have quite a few students who are doing it this way. On top of that they also understand that it's normal to not like a city, haha. Because I truly do not like living in Edmonton. The people just have a different view on the world, and it's normal. I'm from Ontario. Ontario and Alberta are very different when it comes to politics and government - and that's what I'm all about. I just haven't figured out a way to say something to Cody. We still talk, but I'm trying not to be over-emotional with him because we did decide that we were no longer together. But its so complicated to me because he's been around to talk to for the last two months, and it was only up until last week that he's lost that interest. He's celebrating. I know that. He's been out partying every night with his co-workers. But I'm afraid I'm going to talk to him about my moving back and wanting to get back together and find out he's moved on, or literally moving away for some new job or dream. I say that, but I don't really know. Either way I'll be seeing him in December, and I'll find out then. He knows how I feel, and I'll get to confront him about he feels for me. I've never been a girl who wants commitment in the sense of a ring or moving in. I want mutual respect and care. And I know he cares about me. Sure, he doesn't want to hear me whine about everything. But he wants me to be happy, and he wants me to be successful. He wants all the good stuff for me, and he'd want to know if I was falling off the edge of the world. However, hell no do I want him to know that I'm not any of these things. I'm such a miserable person, it's like this innate thing that I do to try and cover it all up so as to burden him. He does the same in his own way, but for me it just seeps out in my infinite need to talk. For him it seeps out in his absence from the world. So we've chatted a few times this week but more or less he's been unavailable because he's been too busy. At least he tells me. I know when he's down because he just doesn't say anything. Respond to anything. He'll just drive around late at night or drink and smoke until he passes out. We all have our coping mechanisms. God, I think way too deeply about all this. I should just shut up. But right now all I can worry about is money, and managing my life. The new mess I've created. At least something ultimately good will come out of it. However, I should've done this program online from the get go. But who knows, I've met some really great people I'm just so fucking broke again I hate it. I can't do anything. I wish I didn't like to drink or socialize or go to performing arts things. I miss my gov't pay check. That's the worst part. 7:11 p.m. - 2015-10-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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