imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- needed but not enough to wanted I used to write in a diary every day. I used to record everything, and I used to be 100% honest with myself in the pages of my diary. But for some reason... in the last two years I've lost this. I've lost my ability to record or to reflect. But not really? It seems more that I have just lost the interest in writing it all down. Mostly because things never change. Not really. Life changes, the way you feel changes, but nothing ever seems to culminate into something. The narrative isn't really a narrative. More of a "This is what I'm trying now, let's see where it takes me next". Perhaps it's hard to see how things connect because I'm still in the thick of things. But I have so many friends who've had years of of struggle and now have found themselves at some kind of milestone. A marriage. A dream job. A new life in a new city. A house. Of course these aren't places of stagnation - these are just check boxes to be ticked. There are more things for my friends to try and explore, and I'm so happy for them. But they've ticked the little box. But me... I've yet to really finish anything. Sure, I finished University. But in a quick messy "opps" fashion. In a, I don't really care that I did it, but more that it's over. And yeah, I tried going to school out West, but it left a bad taste in my mouth, and I feel a little unsure if I'm ever going to find my place in the world. It just seems that I've never really ticked any boxes. More or less just tried a lot of things, and left half an x in the box. I'm tired of being okay at everything. Sufficient in everything I try, but not a superstar. Not someone who should get the raise or the position. Just good enough to be needed but not enough to be wanted. 11:08 a.m. - 2016-09-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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