imalex's Diaryland Diary


Where the Past Lurks

It's been a long time.

A month ago I was really feeling it. Feeling in love with my life. Then a big piece of my past that I thought I had moved on from came back to throw me off.

Cody is this person that I knew and thought I would have in my life to support me forever. As a friend, as a boyfriend, and as the man I desperately loved. Loved because I was in complete awe of him. And every little bit of himself that he showed me made me feel lucky. But then I tried to stand on my own two feet. Tried to take a step back and be a person I and he both knew I could be. And he wasn't in it anymore. I left him, let him go, or really, helped him make a decision he didn't want to make by giving him a good reason to leave me again. And we both told ourselves we were okay with it and that it was for the better.

But really, it just broke the last naive bone in me. I wanted to believe so badly that when I came back I would be the whole person he could love and support. Instead, I came back a broken and disillusioned woman. He had moved on. My leaving had snapped him awake, and he took responsibility for he things he had been ignoring. But he didn't love me like I loved him. He didn't need me like I needed him. And while I put my life back together and figured out what I really needed he found someone else who he loved more, and I said goodbye. I closed the door. I couldn't do it anymore - force myself to feel that pain because i thought it was good for me.

Fast-forward a year later. I love museology. I love working with my hands. I love learning how to preserve and conserve cultural material. It is noble, and it is quiet and unseen. People go to a museum and a curated collection and think "Oh, wow!" and they have no clue how many people work together to create that. The amount of considerations that are put into creating the right text, the right mount, the right environmental conditioning. And the years of support given by people to protect those objects for the future.

I have felt emotional about things in the past. I have felt enthusiastic. But I have never found the sustained confidence I have about museum work. It's like everything I've ever followed led me to this path, and the right way.

So when he pops up and asks me to get coffee so much of me wants to tell Cody how happy museum work makes me feel. So much of me wants him to be proud because he had tried to support me when we were together. But I can't be his friend, I can't meet him for coffee and talk about my life and be entirely happy because in the end, I didn't make him happy enough for him to want to wait. And that still hurts.

It brings me back to my biggest fear; that I'm not enough. That no matter how happy I am with myself as a whole individual person, I'll never get to completely share my life with someone else. Because even though I'm okay with myself when I'm alone, the minute I am with someone else, all I have is fear. Fear that I'm too in my own head. Fear that I'll get too comfortable. Fear that I'll lose myself again. Fear that while I'm an amazing, loyal friend, I am nobodies dream partner or lover. I am a close friend, and nothing more.

Soon, I'll pull it together. I'll let go of the chance to see Cody again, I'll accept that I made that decision for all the right reasons, but for what he thought were good reasons. Because he's never going to say the things I need him to.

12:37 p.m. - 2017-07-10


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: