imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's My Fauly The fact that I am so lazy is because I'm depressed. And over loaded with stress that it's hard for me to get out of bed. And I need to have friends around to distract me. That's how I've always been. And although I can text everyone all the time any of the time it doesn't change the fact that I am here, alone and they are there, with family and other friends. Everyone has suggestions, ideas, as to how I should live my life and what I should do in the meantime of all this loneliness but what they should know is just to listen and support. Because that's what I need. I've never done well with loneliness. When I was little I had Christina and Christopher to fill that space. When I was a preteen I had Allison and Katie. In high school I didn't have anyone until grade twelve and before that I was terribly depressed. Take the year before University. I was extremely depressed because I didn't do anything. I went to work and that was it. I went to vocal lessons and did all of that in a vain hope that it would get my somewhere happier in life but ultimately it just distracted me. And it did a terrible job of it. Living on res, and doing the University thing was the best distraction I ever had. I am definitely one of those people who goes to University because I have no idea what I want from life. I don't even know if I really want to study history once I've got my degree. I'm not an academic, I just like to learn and live. I love music but I've never been the best at it. I'm creative but I've never had the confidence. Because while everyone was taught how to be selfish I never learned. While people were being inspired to be creative I was being told by my parents what is wrong with me, forcing me to hide away and try and better myself. I follow the tradition and blame my mother for everything wrong with me. While my dad has always been supportive and told me what I could do, my mum has spent it telling me that it's myself stopping me from doing what I want. So I just torture myself repeatedly and blame everything on myself. Can't I be the typical young adult and blame the world for my problems? Fuck, now I'm just confusing myself. 2:46 p.m. - 2011-05-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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