imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Right Track Pramodh has left for Sri Lanka. Won't see him for a few months, and that's pretty crummy. We didn't get to do anything we all said we would do, but it was fun. I have no idea what the rest of summer will bring, but I must stay positive. I have absolutely the most amazing family, plain and true. I'm glad I can call them when I need to. Otherwise I would be maniac mess. I have manic-depression. I thought perhaps it would go away when I was younger, that it was just a growing pain of high school and adolescences. But I talked to a shrink, and they it's not true at all. It's something I haven't been able to grow out of, I just had quite the dry spell. Probably because I was so damned busy that first year. So now I plan to see a shrink every few weeks, just to get everything off my chest. I realized my little damaged game isn't really working out for me, because I am extremely tired of masking it all. I just have these moments of complete tears. And then I stare at myself in the mirror and cry more. And I can't move. I can't speak, or breathe. And I will have months or weeks or days of feeling like shit. At least once a month I have a day where I can't get myself out of bed. And those are the worst kind of days, the hardest to push myself out of bed. And sometimes I think about dying, and how that would make things easier. Because in some warped way my brain thinks that my life would be so much better if I was dead. Life would be so much more worth living. So instead I self-medicate. And starve myself and pretending that I am so strong and tough that I don't need help. And I don't know how to ask for it either. Without crying or getting angry, and basically being forced to take things. I love my brother. And I wish I saw him more. All I can do is keep reminding myself that one day I'll be in the position to give back to my family, and be happy. I have to try everything, and eventually I'll get to the right space or spot or track. 11:37 p.m. - 2012-06-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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