imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All We Ever Do After a long walk and talk with Jocelyn, my mind has really settled and cleared. For now anyway. My feeling's toward Pramodh are nice, happy, good feeling's but that is where they have to stay. I need to focus on myself for once. I need to stay out of love until I'm happy on my own. I need to focus on my school work, and sort out what I am doing with my life. I will follow my heart, and take opportunities as they arise, but right now I am perfectly lonely. Just sitting in my room, relaxing, being quiet. It's perfect. Sitting in a room with lots of people, silent working, and I'll be happy. The truth is I have fallen for Pramodh in three short months. Not a record for me, I've fallen a lot faster and harder than that. The thing with Pramodh is that it is too complicated. Too hard to try and convince him that I am the girl for him. Especially when he is looking the other way at beautiful girls with the skinny legs and flat stomach's. That might be me one day. But I am not going to starve myself for him. I refuse the idea. The fact that I have lost twenty-five pounds makes me really happy and ultimately I feel better about myself for it. But I still look in the mirror and frown. I want to lose so much more than that. At least thirty pounds more. And the first twenty-five was too easy. I've been trying to eat better: I cut white bread, pop, and chips out of my diet completely. I also stopped eating KFC every day. So that has helped. I am just looking to find the easiest way for me to exercise. I hate the pool here, and I love running but not by myself. And I have yet to find the time to get to the gym. Life here is so simple and complex at the same time. I am completely myself for the first time in my life. I have so many friends, and people that I get along with. But at the same time I have to depend on myself. It's impossible to get away and do homework most days. Which is terrible when I have two essay's to write, and a midterm to prepare for. Such is my life. And then my heart repeatedly gets broken. And I watch the boy I like slowly slip away from me everyday. Because I know I am not his type at all. I am nobody's type but the lonely, over-weight guy's who does nothing with his life. That's it. I keep thinking about Kevin. He keeps coming up for some reason. I think it is because he's the last person I fell in love with. So I guess that makes sense to an extent. 4:11 p.m. - 2010-11-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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