imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eyes Open to the Sunrise Every little thing just irritates me. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it starts with a good weeks sleep. I should be sleeping now seeing as I only slept for an hour and a half last night (and only four the night before). But I think I've started to train my body to enjoy the lack of sleep, to survive on it. But this irritation (combined with PMS) is from lack of sleep, and it's getting harder to control. Every little thing just sets me off. Seeing the guys today was nice. I miss them. I hate that I miss them because I feel like their friendship is worthless to me. They don't make me feel like I'm their friend, and they always questions why I show up places. They count me as less, it feels. Like it's such a surprise. I want to tell him how hurt I am. Just to tell him that he's worse than Brian. That Brian is an angel next to his name. Because Tharaka just likes to use me when it suits him, when I'm interesting. He asks me why I have nothing to say, and the truth is I really don't have anything to say. Everything I could say would be a lie or too much of a truth. And I'm tired of putting effort into something that doesn't try. I barely talk to Pramodh nowadays. I guess we kind of never meshed well and he has a girlfriend, but I try to ignore the hurt I feel because it's my own fault. He offered so many times and I always refused coming up with some stupid excuse as to why I couldn't try. I should have tried. But now he has his Natalya and they can run off and write songs. Fine by me, I've always been better doing my own thing. That's not to say I want to be alone. Because that is the last thing I want. I just don't know how to do anything else, and eventually I'll meet the right person who can help me learn how to trust. There is someone out there, I know it. I just want to feel like I'm worth something again. Not a play thing, not a passing thought. I want him to call me when he's bored, and it be okay if I call him when I'm bored. I want to be able to ask him to hang out without feeling like he's checking his calendar first to see if something cooler is going on. I'm tired of feeling tired, and feeling old and weak despite my age. 12:07 a.m. - 2011-11-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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