imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Suffocation Why she thinks it is so easy for me to smile in the morning, is beyond me. She brings up these awful conversations, at the worst times. She sends me into a fit of tears, where I am gasping for breath and locking myself in a bathroom because I don't know what else to do. All I can think about most days is how hopeless it all seems. That I am working to pay for things that will never be paid for, and that I go to school to learn crap that won't even help me in the long run. I keep thinking about all the pointless friendships I have, how no one really sees me or hears me. I feel like I am speaking a different language sometimes. That I'm not from this place. I want to trust people again. So bad. I want to believe in life again. Terribly. But everyone just lets me down regardless if I have expectations or not. They tell me I have high expectations. But what's so bad about expecting your friends to care about you? No one can give me what I want. I'm in so much pain every day, I just wish I had someone to share the load with. Someone who I saw physically each day rather than over the phone with my sister or brother. I cannot remember what it feels like to be free. I really don't. It scares me but I find myself thinking the only way out is just to leave. 10:53 p.m. - 2012-04-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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