imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To Be Proud I just had a weird moment. I saw a picture of three people I used to know fairly well in first year. They look like adults. Not to say that I do not look like an adult but sometimes you see pictures of yourself or people you know and you kind of realize, shit, we're young adults. We're the age now where teenagers (an age that I was not too long ago) are like, hmmm, we are much younger than these people. I guess it's the strange thing about people in my age group. How a year difference can be a really HUGE difference. People can be left behind so quickly at this time. Friends change. Personalities change. Faces change. And then suddenly you're thirty and you're hit with the overwhelming realization that you are an adult. Like a real adult. Which isn't even saying anything because it can take another ten-twenty years before people actually feel like adults. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I just had this extremely long conversation today with my mother, who is in town. We met up around three and since three we haven't stopped talking. And it was good for the most part. It's the kind of thing where there is something I have to say, and it takes a long time and a lot of things to be said until I've warmed up to being able to say the specific thing. I need a lot of patience because I am so proud. So proud some days that it hurts. I hurt myself and others around me. I have such a hard time being a failure, yet in the same breath I love how proud I am because it is my biggest flaw. A flaw that not until recently I've discovered. I always thought I was just too stubborn or too scared even. That's why I don't go do things. But now, I see it's pride. Pride that keeps in my place. This self imposed integrity I refuse to let go of. And while I am extremely proud, I don't judge people who don't tale pride in themselves. Because I didn't always take pride in myself either. Shit. I can't believe I just realized that. 1:08 a.m. - 2012-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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