imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- funny how falling feels like flying, for a little while This day has been an interesting yet stationary one. Woke up slowly this morning. Enjoyed the light coming through the window. Spring might have actually arrived in Ottawa. Spent the majority of the day cleaning, and reading. Then six pm hit and like always my restless legs kicked in. I smoked like six cigarette's in two hours. Which is unheard of for me, when I'm sober. I decided around 9:30 to run and get some stuff for baking, but once I got home I realized I didn't have flour. So I gave up on that idea and decided to chat to my friends and sit outside. But it got cold so I came back inside and kept talking to Jo on skype and poured myself my first drink. Then around 10:30 I got my keyboard from the guys with some mad intention to just remember how play and sing, and smoke some more. Then Michelle came home and I put that idea aside. Got another drink and settled into some tv. Then I started to have a panic attack, got a third drink, and moved into my bedroom. I haven't left since. I feel weird because I haven't really done anything today, but my bursts of energy had me flying everywhere. I just get soooo restless even when I don't really have the energy to do anything. Then what comes with all this is a racing mind which leads me to thinking so many things. How much I want to go somewhere new, or I want to paint the walls, or I want to go walk by the canal, oh wait there's still a lot of snow and I don't have boots, man, I need to write that paper, I wonder if he misses me, maybe I should see if the guys wand to do something tonight?, fuck it I'm in the mood for rejection, people don't see me, man those birds are excited outside, can I open the window?, lets play with the cat!, I wonder what's in those bins, will Michelle want this? Hmmmm let's see if any tv has updates, sing random words!, hey lets vacuum under the couch - lets vacuum in the couch, hey lets sit out on the balcony with the guitar, fuck it, it's noisy. I just never stop. I really don't. I could be sitting completely still, and my whole body and mind would be racing. To figure shit out. Or just dreaming. My mother used to tell me how she could look at me and watch as the world seemed to collapse in on me and then repair itself in minutes. She would say how to everyone else, it just looked like I was fine, but in reality I had just remembered my past, assessed my reality, and imagined my future. And I would fall apart and no one seemed to notice. 1:12 a.m. - 2013-03-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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