imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whoop All night since I got home from work at seven, I've tried to study for my exam that is tomorrow morning. But I'm just stuck in this never ending loop of "I'm dating someone... someone I actually like", and trying to believe that. I spent so many years chasing guys who didn't want to be chased, and being used by boys who took advantage of my loyalty. I've a spotted history with men (or boys really, because they all acted like children), and I honestly never thought I'd get one who was an actual caring person. And I'm trying not to latch on to him too tightly, despite his assertions that I don't irritate him. And I don't always want him around because I feel like I owe him a certain amount of attention that can exhaust me. But I wish we would talk more, outside of those stolen moments in bed. And I wish he would take me out more, instead of our late night rendezvous. It's not real yet. And I know it's only been a month. But I've never put this much effort into something. Usually I'm running by now, or the guy is. The real problem is that I have these conflicting thoughts in which I want him to be around all the time, and yet gone in the same breath. Because I have a really strong need to make people happy, it can be hard for me to make myself happy. And I get so goddamn protective that I fear I smother people. There's a reason I've been such good friends with crazy, needy people. I ain't got no time for that anymore. But I don't want to feel like the needy person either, and being the one who cares too much is not a place I feel comfortable in. But it doesn't stop me. It's not going to stop me, and we'll see where all this goes. I guess. 10:07 p.m. - 2013-12-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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