imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Things Feel Impossible Cody asked me to be his roommate in May. When I get back from Edmonton. Not as his girlfriend, but as friends. Life seems so impossible at times for me, and making a decision on whether or not that it's a good idea is breaking me down. I'm not ready to give up. But I also wish I could fight this battle another day. I'm so down, its unbelievable to me that I'll be able to pick myself up. And I'm not fully sure if I can say no to Cody, and move on with my life and choose to go the other way. But another part of me wonders if I'll make it any easier on myself living with him as just as his friend. It seems so stupid. But I can't get it out of my head that if I don't live with him, I'll lose him forever. What do I do? A part of me wonders if it will be a way for me to learn whether or not we are a good match. If we can learn to be friends, perhaps we can learn to be good partners? But that's just nonsense. Because it's not me that is the problem. It's him. He has so many demons and issues, and the inability to commit to anything beyond himself in the long run, it just feels stupid to keep trying. To keep trying to make him love me as he should. I just don't understand. How he can tell me he loves me one day, and a month later decide that he needs to focus on himself, and can only offer me friendship. I don't even know how I would explain it to people. "Yeah, I live with Cody. No, we're not together anymore." I just need something to hope for. I wish I knew now if I had any chance of an internship when I get back to Ottawa. I know I should've just accepted the one from the Nature Museum, but something about it did not feel right. I should talk to Tharaka. He'll sort my head a little better. All I know is I'm not going backwards. I'm not going back to Ottawa just to fall into the same traps I did before. I'm not going to sit and mourn over past decisions. I'm going to get through this, and in a month or two I'll have my decision. But right now I need to feed myself and do some school stuff, and take a break. 5:37 p.m. - 2016-02-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||