imalex's Diaryland Diary

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Revelations By The Plenty

Sometimes I wonder if I really want to fall in love. To be alone is so much easier. No one to worry about, no one to answer to. I can do whatever I want. And I would only have my own emotions to worry about. I was upset Friday night, but at the same time it ignited this weird feeling in me. I am not completely sure if this feeling is good or bad, if it ultimately has changed me. But I realized something. The boy that I don't run away from will be the boy for me. And until I find him, I'll just keep running. I am the runaway kisser.

I've never had that moment where it was perfect. No kiss has ever been perfect. There has been no real spark or connection. They don't really know me, and I have never really known them. I have dreams at night of this magical kiss that will hold all the answers for me. That spark; that electricity. I teased Pramodh for so long, but I know what he means. I long for that spark. I long for that extraordinary human feeling that sneaks upon us so easily. If there is something I have learned in university is that even though we are all young adults, we still have so much to learn. And all of us are eager to please, and to find that imperfect sense of happiness.
He could have been the boy to make me stay, but he just became another unrequited love. Another boy to enthral me, and make me happy, but he isn't going to be the one making me stay. I'd be the one making him stay. In every relationship there is always someone being chased, and in our case it would have been him running.

The thought of settling for someone scares me. And the thought someone may settle for me scares me even more. I don't want to be someone's mistake. And I don't want someone to be mine. I wish I could meet a man who isn't afraid to fall in love with me. I wish I could meet a man who is willing to try, to see if things will work out. So afraid to screw things up, so afraid of all the many outcomes.

I used to think that I wanted to be that girl to change their mind. But I shouldn't have to work so hard. I shouldn't have to doll myself up just for them to so much as blink at me. It shouldn't take a creep to make out with me for you to talk to me. We are friends - at least that's what I thought we were last time I checked.

4:22 p.m. - 2010-11-22

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