imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Took the Stars From My Eyes and I Made a Man I feel guilty if I eat outside of my three meals thing. It's sad. I also feel guilty if I drink a lot of juice. I just finished my last of cranberry juice, and I'm back on drinking only water. It's sad but as soon as I drink something that's not water I just want to keep drinking and drinking it. I forgot what juice tasted like until today. I gained back the five pounds I lost last week. I worked out today, and I am going again tomorrow. Hopefully I'll go again Thursday before I visit Paulette. Which reminds me I need to write a sticky to remind myself. Okay that's done. But yeah, I really want to work out every day for at least a half an hour. And control my eating. I have a lot of fruit to eat before go home next Wednesday, and I just finished off any of the junk food I had. I don't know. If I hadn't been so silly this weekend I probably would have kept the five pounds off and lost five more before going home. That would have been amazing. I would have been fifteen pounds away from my January goal. I'm trying not to look at all in numbers and calories, but my life seems to have been consumed in them. All I really want to do is not care, but I don't think I could let myself go like that now. Not when I have put this much energy into it all. Besides I already paid for the classes. I will be working my butt off. Literally. It's not so much about being a certain size, but I want to feel healthy. I want to be squishy, not over-weight, if that makes sense. In my mind I had this idea if I lost a lot of weight he would look my way, but now I could hardly care. If I could just find a guy who loved me now, I would be happy. I love as soon as I type that Cosmic Love by Florence and the Machine comes on. It's strange because more than ever before I relate to that song. Some days I wish I could speed through this year and maybe the next. Put me in third year when some things have been figured out, and the boys have grown up a bit. Perhaps I've grown up a bit. I will definitely be a much better student by that point. I will also be living off campus with a good group of people, and feeling adult for the first time in my life. And maybe then I will find myself someone who can love me. Someone who will take my confusing ways, my innocent and inexperienced life, and love it. Love me for all I am. Perhaps I am just looking in the wrong place. Instead of down the hall, I should be looking in the library. 2:37 a.m. - 2010-12-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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