imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nackered, buzzed, rambling's of a very lonely person I feel like such a weak person. Why do I have this need for approval? I don't want to place the blame for my habits on any one, but I am really struggling to get over them. The loneliness is getting to the point where I can't even ignore it. And I can go out with friends and still feel it. Maybe it is because my parents made the mistake of expecting me to be strong. My mother is really worried about me, and I find some satisfaction in that. Because it is completely her doing, and I feel no guilt on blaming her for these things. I am at my worst and no one is around. I am alone. Unlike my sibling's I don't have anyone to turn to, I don't have anyone who knows me. I still don't think my mother understands the loneliness I feel. How could she? At my age she was dating my father, and had a guy on the side. At my age she lived at home, and had friends all around to love and support her. I have a phone. A computer. Empty texts, and empty rooms. My two friends in the city don't really know me and I can't profess my soul to them. They wouldn't understand. At least I don't think they could. I don't even want to throw myself out there anyway, I know I'll just get hurt. Christina has this idea that I am the kind of person who will tell anyone anything. Correction, I put it out blankly, the truth, but I never go into details. And I certainly don't bother telling people who don't ask. Only when the conversation starts, when someone opens up, then I will reciprocate. There are things about me I keep a secret. Drunk or sober, they are in me to stay. I get angry sometimes. At the type of people always in a relationship. In a tryst of some kind. They go a month alone, but before they even get a little dark, like an elastic their with someone else. Serious or not. Doesn't matter. Specifically girls. Girls who define themselves by their partner. Strong, smart, funny girls who seem in capable of knowing what to do with themselves in the single world. And I get it. I really do. The loneliness I feel is a dark and heavy thing, filled with mood swings that confuse you so much you find yourself screaming into your pillow. But I'm tired of hearing how lost you'd be without a boyfriend. Because as confused as I am some days, I still know what I want from life. And I can still have fun even in my darkest of moods. I went out last night and had a few laughs even though I am in this exhausted state of my-whole-existence-means-nothing-and-I-hate-adults-like-my-parents-I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it-I-want-to-talk-about-it. I wish people just realized that the world doesn't stop when your heart breaks. Only you do. And you have to make a decision for yourself if you want to live life. No one else can do that for you. It's YOUR life. 11:36 p.m. - 2011-07-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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