imalex's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Broken Faith The majority of my day is spent trying to shut off the constant thinking in my head. It is almost takes up all my energy to just stop it for a second and decide whether or not I can make it through the day wearing that shirt with those pants. But then its right back to thinking about papers, about classrooms, and classmates and professors. Will there be any awkward conversations? Will I be able to say something today? Maybe I'll have a conversation with someone in the class. Probably not. Why can't I make friends in my class? Why do I have ADD? I wish I could be at work, they liked me there. Not anymore though, everything is fucked up there. What if I lose my job? What if I never see any of my friends from works again? I should text Gilles or Julia. No, I'll leave them alone, I bug them too much. Am I high-maintence? Is it hard being my friend? Is it hard to love me? Why can't I just calm the fuck down? I am so incredibly self-aware ALL the time, and I'm constantly analyzing my every move as well as the people around me. What they are saying, what they are doing, how they talk and what they're all about. And I feel so inredibly seperate from it all. Like I'm this person outside, looking in. And sometimes its the same thing when I'm around people I'm supposed to be friends with. I try to be me. I try to be the happy girl I know I can be. The girl who is so happy to be around everyone and anyone. But then I just get so sad and angry. Angry that they let me down. They never listen to me. And oh my God how none of them were there when I needed them. I am so frozen. 1:31 p.m. - 2012-11-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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